so it's 12:45 am and i should be in bed, but my head's getting the best of me and it's put me in a mood so i need to at least try and write to get myself out of it.

i've been battling with the idea of friends and friendships for about a year and a half, at least seriously. It's been a fleeting thought in my mind for a while... say, since graduation from college. Maybe even earlier. I haven't had much time to honestly contemplate a lot about it...........and then there are nights like tonight.

what tipped it off? probably seeing that XYZ female has been messaging michael on facebook.  i've never met the girl, don't know that i ever will. can't say that I don't care because the fact that i'm writing about it says that i do. i guess my bottom line is that i just don't like her.

i'm basically done with the "play nice wifey/girlfriend" role that I was trying to occupy since i've met michael, because for all intents and purposes, females are not my favorite people. She was one of the last few that I tried to be nice to, while Michael was gone to basic training and i was existing in my pre-wedding planning blissful stress of a life at the time. So I figured, as with most of the women that Michael knew before me, that I would try to reach out and create a "bond" with these chicks... knowing that if they were truly his friends without harboring any bitterness about him not being interested in them ever, they'd write back and extend the olive branch, so to speak.

No such luck with this one. And it's not like my electric bill isn't going to get paid if she doesn't want to be nice back to me. I just think my whole deal is... friendship with Michael is a package deal. If you can't be nice to his wife and try to bond with her, then there's no need for you and Michael to keep in touch.

Maybe that's extreme. Maybe it's your regular old insecurity. Maybe it's normal. Maybe it's just me. And maybe i just don't like her and don't want to think that any of my husband's time is being spent in her direction to maintain communication or a friendship.

what does it mean to be a friend nowadays?

i have guy friends who if and when they are dating a girl - I've at least had the chance to meet her in one way or another and actually become cool with her... because most of my guy friends were not an issue for me emotionally. We were just that, friends. Maybe my expectations of what is decent for one woman to show respect to another woman, especially when a boyfriend and/or husband is involved is too much. Or maybe I just don't like her.

I think that's it, really. I just don't like her and she's not really doing very much to influence me in any other direction.

The older I get, the more I wonder what it means to be "friends" these days. I had friends from freshman year of college that I thought would be friends forever, and I haven't talked to them since 2005. It seems coincidental that once I moved out of the 2.5 hour driving distance that i would make about once every other month to go and visit them, that there's no need to keep in touch anymore.... from their end at least.

I've baffled myself a number of times realizing that I went out of my way to "be a friend" to folks who haven't called to check in on me since learning that i got married. Nevermind that I'm pregnant now and they have no idea. I've never been one to broadcast myself to anyone, not even my family. I guess it's independence gone awry. So to feel like I have to call my friends to update them on my life FIRST before they even think to call me and just say hi.... is foreign to me. And that's why i ask whta does it mean to be a friend these days?

I get the feeling like I'm forcing myself into a friendship that doesn't have room for me anymore. Like I'm trying to validate my "friend-worthiness." I've hated feeling like I have to be approved of by others in order for the days in my life or my feelings for that matter to be worth it. So almost frequently, I think to myself, "I don't have any friends." and at those times I hate how that feels. I wonder if there was something more that I could have done. Maybe i wasn't a "good enough" friend. Maybe I got too absorbed in my relationship or my marriage or whatever... maybe it was something that *I* did, therefore, i can un-do it, right?

Not so much.

Friendship is like any relationship. It takes two. I hate how much this eats away at me at the most inconvenient times - but it's there. And aside from calling up these so-called "friends" to give them a piece of my uncensored mind... there's no real closure or victory or emotional lashing-out for me. I just kind of sit here and fester... and then I try to find other things to do to get my mind off of it.

I feel so very much in limbo. I'm not grown up enough to chill out with the mommy & kids club. I'm too old to hang out with the single and clubbing crowd. I feel very stuck in the middle and like I'm the only one around for miles.

If I knew how best to approach and remedy this state-of-being I would. And I guess I'm learning to just take things and people at face value. It's pointless to put expectations on others based on how you would like to treat them. They're going to do what they're going to do. And there's nothing I can do to change that. I can't and I won't act in any sort of way that isnt' me at the moment, just to make others feel comfortable/less threatened around me. I won't pretend to like people that I don't like. There are plenty of people in the world for me to get along with without feeling like I have to be everybody's friend and be liked by everybody.

Maybe this means I'm growing up. Maybe it means I'm growing into my mom. Or maybe I'm gaining a handful of quality friends who will actually be my friends for the rest of my life without me having to "be worthy" of their time. I don't know that it will ever make me un-sad about being tossed to the side by people who I thought were my friends no matter what... but that's life. A lot of it isn't necessarily fair.

i went off line to my purple journal that Ariana gave me at graduation years ago. i'm about halfway through it, and i bought markers for the sake of multi-colored writing. so i haven't been on xanga much.... or online in general really.

can't say much in terms of an update from my last j. haven't really made that huge of a change. maybe i have, but i'm just not satisfied with it because there's no monumental difference in my life... at least not a difference that i'm satisfied with.

august was a blur of a month, and it's already mid-september. to update, school started, i started teaching 3 classes and advising 11 students over clubs and organizations. i've been busy. i'm starting to hate my commute to work, as winter is just around the corner. It takes me 30 minutes easy to get to work, and snow/ice on the road will only mean an hour or more in the winter.

i drive 70-80 miles an hour just to get through 34 miles of traffic in about 30-35 minutes... sometimes i get mostly green lights, most times i don't. i HATE not being conveniently located to my job. and i'm kinda bitter that i moved all the way out here to be close to Michael's job.

why? because michael just joined the National Guard and leaves for Basic Training in November. He'll be training off and on through till about April, which has me living all the way out here... commuting to work and he's not even here to be conveniently near his work. I haven't lived in my house for 6 months, let alone the 3 years to avoid the payment penalty, so i can't necessarily sell it and go somewhere closer to my job.

kinda bitter about that when i think about it.

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michael wants to get married because it gives an extra somekindamoney for him in the national guard that he wants me to have. marriage-by-bribery. great.

we've been together for about 2.5 years. we could get married if I chose to. He says he's waiting on me. I'm waiting on a definite sign. We see how the "move into a house that's closer to Michael's job than mine" idea went. I'm really not trying to jump into any more commitments that i can't see the immediate and long term benefits of PRIOR to signing on anybody's dotted line.

there is no real overwhelming evidence one way or the other. best believe i'm trying to find it. i know my mom doesn't like the idea of us being together. She's happy that he's joining the guard, thinks it will give him some direction. i tend to agree with that. but between my mom and random other non-supportive members of my family providing their opinions and "life experience" and rumors from a friend of mine that his mom was trying to set him up with someone else, and defaulted to his brother instead... i'm just really not feeling the details of the current situation.

shouldn't it be this simple and consistent feeling of "this is a good thing?"

i get the simple feeling most times, the problem is that it isn't consistent. however, i have the patience of Job (which i'm really starting to believe) so we'll see what's happening once Michael gets out of Basic Training.

 

 

i don't like stinky people.

their personalities may be fabulous... but if they stink... i prefer not to engage with them. Now, why is this important? because as an advisor i run into stinky people - usually students on a frequent basis.

how is it that you approach the topic of FUNK? is there an easy way to do it? should you be blunt? leave "hints" around?

as this is a student that I may be advising for the next year - something has to be done because my nose is really sensitive and then my face reacts. i have no time to recover!!

i am only thankful that as an advisor i get my own room on our retreat.